I am not well. No, I'm not sick. My health is perfectly fine. Well, not really. I can stand to lose a few pounds but other than that, I'm fine. I'm just not well.
I haven't had a drink for three weeks. I don't think I'm a particularly hard drinker. In fact, I have been known among my friends as the "weakest link" when it comes to drinking. I'd be lucky to have any semblance of consciousness or hint of a capacity for rational thought after a session of unrestricted consumption of alcohol (RH for the special occasions, empe for any other time). Well, not entirely unrestricted. I exaggerate. Restricted only by the amount my barkada is willing to spend. If they happened to be loaded, then I'm fucked. I'll be liable to either talk a lot of bullshit, puke on my shoes, puke on some other unlucky bastards shoes, pass out, go home walking like an undead in a George Romero movie in the middle of the street in the unholy hours of the morning, or all of the above in no particular order. Drinking does a lot of crazy things to me. Not having anything alcoholic for three straight weeks isn't actually a bad thing in and of itself. Hell, I'm tempted to think that it's actually a good thing. But no, that's not it at all.
I never liked alcohol because of it's smell, or taste. I actually hate the thought of my alcoholically wasted self. I hate it when I'm drunk. As I said, it makes me do a lot of stupid things which in turn give me reason to loathe myself after I regain my sobriety. That is why I never learned to enjoy drinking by myself. For me, alcohol is only good when I'm with my friends.
By my lonesome: alcohol = sucks
With my friends: alcohol = manna from heaven
"What are you trying to drive at?" you ask. Well ok. I am not well, that much has been established. But not because I've not been drinking. What I was clumsily trying to get at was that I'm like this because I realize that I haven't been with any, not a single one, of my friends in the last three weeks. I've turned down invitations to go out. What the hell is wrong with me?
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I'm in a very strange place right now. I still haven't decided what to think of it. I have just experienced two of the most amazing yet maddening months of my life. So much has happened including the most jarring change, the most unexpected story twist that I ever came across. I feel like a little kid who's been given the best lollipop he's ever tasted, but as soon as he finished savoring his first lick, some grown up snatches the candy from his grasp and told him that he can't finish it yet. "Don't worry little kid, this candy is still yours but I have to put it away for a while. I'll give it back eventually, but only if you're a good boy."
Forget this stupid analogy. I can't vouch for it's accuracy because I have a proclivity for hyperbole. I'll say this though, It isn't hyperbole when I say that one of the last two months has been the best 30 days of my whole life. I'd be hard pressed to think of another month in my 25 years on this Planet that has been as consistently amazing. It's the truth. I miss her so.
I hate Nicholas Sparks for writing "Nights in Rodanthe". Also true.
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I've never thought about the future as hard as I have been the past few weeks. I've never been so frightened either. Frightened of losing, of failing, of not being adequate. A long time ago, I decided to live life one day at a time, one failure at a time. Yep, I've lot's of failures. That is a fact, and it has never daunted me. I figured I'll get another crack at it, I'll get another chance... How foolish I have been. Hindsight is such a bitch.
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I don't know what to do with myself. What am I to do with the things that bother me? What do I do with them when their so trivial. Text messages shouldn't rule my life. So what if my inbox is empty? So what if I don't hear from her? So fucking what? Am I suppose to feel insignificant? Am supposed to throw a fit? Should I throw myself of a bridge? Am I supposed to be driven mad with doubt? These are stupid questions. The answer is obviously "Ye"... er... "No, you retard! Are you a fucking idiot?!? Deal with your feelings of insecurity right this instance!"
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Forgive me, I have digressed far too remotely. But give me another moment to pose one last question. What is a lonely man to do when the things that he expects to give him joy is not able to do what he expects? I don't know the right answer. But lately, I haven't been getting the amount of fun I was expecting from my movies, my music, and my books. I remember Paul Schrader's theory about loneliness and isolation. I believe he said that lonely people push other people away when in fact the very cause of their loneliness is their isolation. How fucking obvious! I guess it's time to seek out my berks, or what's left of them. Will they be able to remember me? I'll find out,but that will have to wait til tomorrow.
P.S. This song has been stuck in my head for the last three weeks. HOW CAN I MAKE IT STOPPPP?!?!?
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Bro!
ReplyDeleteI may not be around, I may fail to check on you, but man.. you're not the "weakest link".. you are a superstart bro! Mark my words man, you are green lantern! :D
Don't ever forget man, you're not alone :) you know me bro, you know we have many things in common. Don't succumb to that man, grab yourself a tin can of "mana from heaven", partake from it. You don't have to be w/ anyone if you don't feel like it. After partaking from the holy tin can/grail, look at this, and feel it's icy sweat. sing by yourself if you can (i thing you won't), think about the things you miss. Be sure your fone is at arm's reach.
I tell you tol, what you feel right now is none the worse than what I'm having! :) So let me tell this straight to you: Stand up, call her, tell her all the corniest things you could ever muster, call our friends & get back at them. And don't puke on their shoes, or on your shoes as well.
:) I could only wish to do those same crazy things...
ps: i know that song man, we could sing that sometimes :D
As what someone said, too much expectation can lead to depression. But hey, don't let this stop you.
ReplyDeleteWhat you're feeling right now is normal for a person in love. Then again, it is beyond normal to end your life just because you got your heart broken. Perhaps you are entitled for some moping and what-not but don't make it seem too long that it'd be too unbearable.